WHY MARVEL SUCKS...on this like one tiny thing

WHY MARVEL SUCKS...on this like one tiny thing

By Guest Contributor Sallie

Author’s Note: The Marvel movies are great. Wait, scratch that. A handful of Marvel movies are great and a lot are middling. But they did set the tone and expansion of superhero stories. This has led to a “geek renaissance” of sorts. I love it. I bask in it. I roll all over it like a dog in a shit pile. That being said, they’re underneath DC movies in my opinion. Wait? What’s that? Do I feel the toasty warmth of torches being lit? I do. But I’m not going to get into an entire diatribe on how I feel like DC is doing great because we all know… they’ve stumbled. But they’ve managed something Marvel hasn’t. And Marvel, you should feel REAL bad about it. And that’s what we’re going to talk about.

 

I’m going to start in a small bubble and expand outwards with this rant.

So, let’s begin in the movies.

Marvel’s been going at it for ten years. Everyone slow-clap for them. Yeah. And we’ve had great properties like the first Iron Man movie, Thor: Ragnarok, Spiderman: Homecoming, fucking Captain America: Winter Soldier, Guardians of the Galaxy, Black Panther (hot damn!), and Ant Man (I liked it, shush). And then we’ve had things like Dr. Strange, Iron Man 3, that 2nd Thor movie we shouldn’t talk about, and the Hulk. And before you go “that’s not considered canon.” Yeah, John Hurt magically reappeared as the exact same character because of a casting accident. Don’t start with me. It’s canon. Ahem.

Okay, think of all those movies. Now, think of DC’s few properties it’s cranked out: Man of Steel (which is better than people give it credit for), Batman vs Superman (please watch the extended version… so much better), Wonder Woman (YAAAASSS), and Justice League (I loved it, screw you.)  Now, think of the characters in both Marvel and DC. Just think about them. Now, think about all their really cool outfits. Think of the most iconic male outfits in both Marvel and DC. You got Captain America and Superman, right? Maybe Batman, if you’re a big Batman fan. Now think of the most iconic female outfit in DC. Wonder Woman comes to mind, right? I mean, she’s the only one. Give them a little slack, they do only have four movies.

Now think of the most iconic female outfits for Marvel.

If this was in audio form, you’d hear crickets.

And here you thought I was going to discuss Wonder Woman being the first female superhero in this generation of superhero movies with her own solo movie. Nah. That’s an easy diatribe. Marvel’s scared to put women into superhero outfits. Don’t worry, I hear you in the back, “Wasp and Captain Marvel are about to be a thing.” Yes. No fucking shit. But let me reiterate: MARVEL HAS BEEN DOING THIS FOR TEN YEARS. Why are they so scared to have a woman in an iconic suit? And I hear you go, “but Black Widow always wears a black leather suit in the comics.” Sure. But it also has a fucking black widow icon on it. Either on her chest or her belt. It isn’t muted to hell. But sure, I’ll give it to you. She’s a super spy and that’s apparently a super spy thing.

But what about Scarlet Witch?

What. About. Scarlet. Witch. Sure, the first iteration of her headpiece looks like that meme with a cat putting its face in a slice of bread, but nowadays it’s gotten a lot better and is more of a cool headdress than a question of how do hats work??? And, sure, I’m not the biggest fan of her fishnets up to her freaking waist. That being said, it’s still her iconic dress. She wears it all the fucking time. She’s wearing it now (in your mind.) So why the HELLLLLL does Scarlet Witch in the movies look like a leather-loving hipster? Huh? There’s nothing about her outfit that is a reference back to her comic book iteration. And I hear you, “maybe they wanted to make it more realistic.” Yeah, because a guy that basically has an American Flag sewn onto him is realistic. “Well, they did it to Hawkeye.” Let’s be real here, that suit was hella outdated, and in the comics, his suit has changed to the version we see more in the movies, just like Star Lord’s duds. But Scarlet Witch? Let me reiterate: she’s still in her iconic suit.

So why are you scared to give a woman a mask and let her be a superhero, Marvel?

Why? Wonder Woman fucking strolled across a battlefield in her duds, kicking ass, taking names, and no one blinked and went “well, doesn’t she look dumb.” Everyone was like “YYAAAAAASSSS” and some of those were external. And that was me. Yes, I’m the guilty party. Before I beat this dead horse, let me switch gears here.

Let’s talk about television.

Alright, Marvel, I get it… your shows are tied in where CWDC’s are not. So you have to have some modicum of restraint when you choose who to show. But, seriously, on all your shows (and you have a Netflix budget, let me remind you) you don’t choose a single female superhero with an iconic outfit? Ya got Jessica Jones (who is amazing), Quake, Elektra, Colleen Wing, Misty Knight (thank goodness you finally gave her that damn robot arm), and Hell Cat (who hasn’t Hell Cat’ted up, but she better in this next season, or I will FIND YOU.) You HAD Mockingbird until you screwed that up, too. Twice Lady Sif showed up, but I think only once in her actual armor. I failed to mention her in the movie section due to the fact that Marvel wasted their opportunity with her, and I feel a deep resentment. DEEP. Anyway. There are street level female vigilantes in costume--loads, actually. Angela Del Toro’s White Tiger, because you’ve literally mentioned her. Kate Bishop’s Hawkeye, who would be a great fucking tie-in and bring all those Arrow fans over. She-Hulk. She’s a lawyer. Ya got Matt Murdock running his blind ass everywhere, you can EASILY slide her in there. And yes, again, I hear you in the back, “but the Marvel Movie version of Bruce Banner would never donate his blood and give her his curse.” Oh. So wonderful, adorable movie version of Angry Mark Ruffalo wouldn’t save his own cousin? He’d let her die? Yeah. No. But I get it, maybe that’s too big of a movie tie-in. Squirrel Girl, or are you afraid of being silly with a comic book show? Yeah. I’m sure that’s it. I would say Silver Sable and Black Cat, but apparently Fox is fucking that property up… somewhere.

SPIDERWOMAN would be great, Jessica Drew is an amazing character.

She is of NO relationship to Spiderman, and if you think people are too dumb to realize that post-introduction… you’re stupider than I give you credit for, Marvel. Actually, you know what? Spiderwoman. You’d get the people who think she’s a Spiderman clone to come watch it, and then you can pull the rug out from under them and show them how awesome she is. Hell, you can even have a soft open with America Chavez. Her superhero outfit IS street clothes, but it’s the same street clothes that tie into her name and power. And, hell, that would even help you get your first queer superhero out there.

You know what, I could keep going but I’m not going to, Marvel. Stop being afraid of empowering women. We’re not going to rise up and take over the planet like the dominant gender we are. You had no problem with opening the dam of representation with Black Panther. Now go fucking do that for women.

Also… I caught onto your little coy shit with moving Captain Marvel’s release day up to be closer to the second Wonder Woman. Ya still releasing your FIRST AND ONLY female-led movie AFTER a SEQUEL to DC’S FIRST FEMALE MOVIE. Ya done fucked up.

My Unfortunately Unpopular Opinion AKA I Hate Everything You Love

My Unfortunately Unpopular Opinion AKA I Hate Everything You Love